I'm feeling 22 (plus 2)

Today is my birthday eve. Tomorrow I will turn 25, and it’s a big deal. I will be 25 on the 25^th. For someone who loves their birthday as much as I do a golden birthday is like Christmas meets Thanksgiving meets payday meets Disney fireworks. I have been talking about this birthday for years and I am so excited for it to get here! But today, on my birthday eve, I want to pay tribute to how awesome 24 has been.

Truthfully, 24 will join the ranks of 21 and ages 12-14 (the hall of fame for difficult years, if you will). Luckily, just because a certain year may be difficult does not mean that it isn't filled to the brim with joy.

With that, I give you the most joyous moments of 24 (starting with my mission):

1. The Toms River Branch throwing me a birthday party complete with tinker bell balloons!

 2. Lilia and Oscar got married

3. Oscar got baptized. Oscar, the man who used to walk out of rooms the second he heard "las misioneras..." Oscar, who told me that he was "a man of faith, not a man of religion." Oscar, who told me he was too sick to leave his house and would never be able to attend church. Oscar, who had one of the most incredible change of hearts I have ever seen. Oscar, who isn't perfect, but who is doing what is right. Oscar, my dear, dear friend whom I love. That man. He got baptized. It was awesome. 

4. Crying happy tears in a parked car while talking to other missionaries about experiences that changed our lives and how we wish the same joy for everyone. Realizing that I loved my mission and that I did a good job during my time in New Jersey. Feeling God’s love and feeling so close to heaven I could burst. 

5. Bearing my testimony every single day. 

6. Leading music in front of a Hispanic congregation

7. Raking leaves for a stranger who we later found out had lost everyone and everything else in her life and desperately needed help with her house chores.

8. Attending the temple with President and Sister Jeppson. Hearing them tell me I did a good job. Hearing their advice for life after the mission.

9. Being reunited with my family after 18 months!

10. Swimming with manatees and then having dolphins chase our boat. Also canoeing and SCUBA diving and snorkeling and paddle boarding and boating. It was a good year for reacquainting myself with water. 

11. A trip to New York with my mom and sister to see all the Christmas decorations. BONUS: running into some of the greatest missionaries on their way back from the temple AND seeing President and Sister Jeppson at the Christmas fireside—hugs from President Jeppson really are the best!

12.  Spending New Years Eve in Canada with one of my most favorite people in the world!

13. Sailing for the first time.

14. Visiting New Jersey and reuniting with people who I love so dearly.

15. Finding out that I’m going to be an aunt!!

16. Settling in, sight seeing, working, living and eating in/near DC. So many firsts I have lost track.

18. Going back to Brazil. Seeing a world cup game where Brazil played well. Visiting with family. Eating all of my favorite foods. Laughing with my family. It was a dream trip!

19. Making my first quilt and having it turn out fantastically.

20. Learning the art of the slackline.

21. Attending the sealing/wedding for one of my dearest friends, Taiba! Feeling so close to heaven that day!

22. Seeing Les Mis live.

23. Remembering that I have talents outside of my church activities and using them again!

24.  Being a temple worker.

This year has been a doozy, and it ended just when I felt like I was getting a hang of things.  

Every birthday I find myself reading the poem Eleven by Sandra Cisneros. “What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one… Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That's how being eleven years old is. You don't feel eleven. Not right away. It takes a few days, weeks even, sometimes even months before you say Eleven when they ask you. And you don't feel smart eleven, not until you're almost twelve. That's the way it is.”

So tomorrow I’ll turn 25, but I’ll still be 24 (smart 24 at that). I will also still be a missionary, a college student, and a timid fifth grader who just wants to hide her four eyes behind a copy of Anne of Green Gables. All the little bits of me working their hardest to make the next year my best yet. So bring it on 25, you’re sure to be nothing short of golden!

It’s been a good run

In April 2012 I graduated from BYU-Idaho after the most rewarding semester of my college career. From there I hopped into a RV with my wonderful, albeit slightly crazy, Brazilian family and spent a month playing on the beach. Then I started my mission. I spent a year and a half helping others learn of Christ and follow him. I met people from all walks of life and I served them with my whole heart. I learned Spanish. I was a friend, cheerleader, mentor, and participant as lives changed for the better all around me. MY life changed forever. My mission was one of those events that completely tore apart the woman I used to be and put me back together far more lovely and strong than I ever had been previously. 

After this two-year whirlwind of finishing my bachelor’s degree and preparing for and serving my mission here I am. I'm just here at my parent’s house. I’ve been on vacation for the past 6 weeks and it has been wonderful. I have spent time with some of the dearest people in my life. I hugged every member of my immediate family. I laughed with long lost friends. I went to Canada for my first time ever and was reminded that normal life is fun and worth treasuring. I have had a long strand of good times, and I’m grateful for them.

Now comes the unwelcome truth--all good chapters must come to an end. Today felt like the end. It had been looming there in the corner for a while now, but today we had our first confrontation. If reality were a human it would have come in with a blanket and a mug of hot chocolate and said something along the lines of “sit down suga, this’un is gonna to be rough.” (In my mind reality comes with comfort food and an accent, deal with it.)

So, here I am. I am a college graduate. I am a returned missionary. I am also unemployed, and frustrated with my lack of professional, academic and social prospects. I am annoyed that this need I have to change the world seems unrealistic. I am tired of feeling socially inept.

Someone once told me to never worry about anything that will be insignificant two weeks from now. Two weeks from now I will be living in DC and fulfilling an internship. I will have reunited with yet more long lost friends. By then it is likely that I will have reverted back to my “I can do anything good” attitude. However, for right now I’m just a little scared, and I decided that it’s okay. If there were never fear there would never be a reason to be courageous. 

Teary Goodbyes, Happy Hellos

2012. This is it.

New Year's Eve is always one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. I feel like sometimes it doesn't get enough credit for how fantastic of a holiday it is. For the past five years I have been attending the annual Russ fire. This generally guarantees really tall structures that, when lit, become burning towers of pyromanic joy. If you want to know what I mean you should check out the videos here and here. Really. I'm serious. Go watch the videos.

This year was a tad on a lower key.  There was less in the way of tower height and people attending, and more in the way of fireworks. Which is also fantastic. I do not discriminate in my love and appreciation for explosions of any type. I leave that for people who understand big words and physics.

It was nice to spend the evening with a smaller group of people who I really love. I was in a bit of a funk for most the night. A funk which only got worse after getting marshmallow in my hair and then later accidentally burning off some of my hair. It was one of those times when all the little things weighing on my mind were given permission to break the surface at once. At one point I may have curled up into a ball, buried my head in my friend's chest, and shed a few tears. Which is always awkward for me, but it turned out alright.

2011 was an incredible year, one that I didn't let go of easily. Here are the highlights:

Baby: Going to Detroit to help welcome baby Andrew Rice into the world.

Medieval Times: Celebrating my little sister's 20th birthday with some good old fashioned jousting.

Disney: Reunion with Courtney and Israel. Eating lots of delicious foods, riding all my favorite rides, seeing all my favorite shows, and talking talking talking with some very dear friends. Glorious.

Shows: Going to Wicked with Mom and Adam. They loved it as much as I do. We may have sang Defying Gravity together once or twice on the way home.

South Africa: No one specific story or event, just all of it. The people, the places, the food, the UNIC, the everything. A piece of my heart has taken up permanent residence in Pretoria, South Africa and will live there forever more. I never thought I would grow so much, love a place so much, learn so much in that small of a time. There aren't really enough words to express how perfectly tailored this experience was for me and my needs at that specific time. Perfect.

EFY: The name-tag rebellion. Trying to determine if I ever have felt like a plastic bag. Harry Potter. New friends. The kids. The wonderful, smart, spiritual, good kids. The learning we did together. It was great. Believe, Hope, Edure that's all I got to say.

Provo: Julie. Hollie. Sean. Boyd and Lloyd, the best hometeachers and dear friends. Michelle. 191st ward. HELP International. Figuring out my life. Learning how to knit. Talking into the night. Doing Utah specific things. Jane Austen movies. Fall colors. All good.

Thanksgiving: Family, Friends, Muppets, and gluttony. 

Costa Rica: Vacation bliss. 

And now it's over. It went fast.

Maybe it's because everyone is growing up. Maybe it's because I'm graduating. Maybe it's because I'm going on a mission. Maybe it's because of a lot of things all together. All I know is that the end of a lot of things felt tangible as 11:59 turned to 12:00 and took away 2011 with it.

I'm grateful for good memories though, they add to the excitement of the future.  I'm trying to keep in mind what Jeffrey R. Holland said, "We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives." 

On the agenda for 2012 are a lot of unknowns. Graduation and mission are the only certainties. I don't exactly know what to expect with either endeavor, which made resolution making difficult this year. So I only have three:

1. Follow the Spirit

2. Be happy while I'm here, because there's no here there

3. Don't pick at zits

Wandering, Sunday drives, and brain vomit

"Not all who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien

I spent last Sunday listening to General Conference with some of my family. Afterwards I took the advice of a good friend and went for a drive through the Alpine Loop. It was absolutely stunning to be surrounded by all the colors of fall. Something special about driving by yourself when your mind is full of a mess of thoughts is that they slowly seep out and fill the space around you.

You can take them back one by one, process them each from every angle imaginable, and then file them away neatly in your head. So I drove around each bend and let my eyes linger on the yellows, reds, and oranges that make autumn so appealing, and my brain got busy. The only problem is that I never got to the "file them away neatly" part.

I don't think I have words to best describe my feelings as of late so I'm going to borrow and excerpt from the short story Eleven by Sandra Cisneros:

"...what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don't. You open your eyes and everything's just like yesterday, only it's today. And you don't feel eleven at all. You feel like you're still ten. And you are—underneath the year that makes you eleven.

Like some days you might say something stupid, and that's the part of you that's still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama's lap because you're scared, and that's the part of you that's five. And maybe one day when you're all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you're three, and that's okay. That's what I tell Mama when she's sad and needs to cry. Maybe she's feeling three.

Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That's how being eleven years old is.

You don't feel eleven. Not right away. It takes a few days, weeks even, sometimes even months before you say Eleven when they ask you. And you don't feel smart eleven, not until you're almost twelve. That's the way it is."

So I'm twenty-two, but I'm also all the ages that it took to get here. A lot of days I wake up feeling three, or seventeen, or eight; and I miss feeling smart twenty-one because I am definitely not smart twenty-two, not yet. I've never been good at being patient, and now is no exception. Especially since my life is currently in teeny, tiny, bite size pieces. In two and a half more months my time in Provo will be over. Four months after that I will graduate from BYU-Idaho.

Then what?

People like to ask me what my life plans are. It's an innocent question. Nobody knows that the second I hear it my insides all tighten up, I fight back fearful tears, and I try to quickly think of the perfect way to phrase my answer so that I sound confident in my future. I'm not.

There's really no reason to stress over it. I know that time will pass, and my future will eventually become my present. And I know that it will all be okay once it gets here. I just wish I knew what IT was.

Somedays it is taking the GRE and going directly into a graduate program (this option is slowly phasing itself out due to deadlines, but it's there). Other days it is serving an 18-month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Sometimes it is spending my summer abroad and postponing this whole decision making process just a little longer. It has been landing a job and moving away all by myself. Once I even caught myself thinking that it could be a white dress and a cute boy, then I laughed at my desperation to avoid making a decision and snapped back to reality.

This is the first time in my whole life that my next path isn't paved out for me. It's not even outlined for me. In fact, I'm sitting at the end of this proverbial road that is now branching in a million different directions (people call that exciting, I think intimidating would be a better word) and each new path has a stamp of approval. Each choice obviously comes with its own unique triumphs and struggles. Each one is "good." But which is best? Which is most Jari? Nobody can really answer that question except me, and I don't even know. I normally stick to the "follow your gut" rule, but right now my gut is only concerned with all things chocolate.

Don't worry, I'm not having a breakdown. I know that life truly is exciting. Not only that, but I am so grateful for my education, my beliefs, my supportive family, and the seemingly endless opportunities that stand before me. I am a very blessed young woman.

I'm just going through some growing pains and thought they deserved to be documented. My friend just sent me the quote "what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" Maybe that's the thought I should keep in mind as I go forward.

The Waiting Place

Ladies and Gentlemen I'm afraid that I've run at a break-necking pace off to a very useless place. The Waiting Place. What is the Waiting Place? Well I should probably let the Dr. explain himself

(From Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go")

The Waiting place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or the waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for the wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a better break

or a string of pearls or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or another chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

(As a disclaimer "Oh the Places You'll Go" is a personal favorite, I refer to it often. Do not be shocked if it makes multiple appearances on this blog)

So, I'm in the Waiting Place. What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for school to start, and then for school to end. I'm waiting for life to happen, but not quite.

I'm not making much sense, am I? Maybe that's the point. I'm not really sure what the point is, or what the point is supposed to be even.

All I know is that right now I live at home, and home suddenly doesn't feel so homey. Though that is mostly due to the fact that everyone went back to school and work this week, and I'm still here...sitting. BUT I start heading back for Idaho on Saturday.

So, specifically what am I waiting for? For Fall Semester 2010. I am waiting for something productive to do with my time. I'm waiting for classes, homework, paychecks, a student ward, for an internship offer, and for graduation.

Less specifically, I'm waiting for the rest of my life. I know one phase of my life is quickly coming to an end, and another will soon start. I just don't know what the title of the next chapter is yet. To say I'm terrified is an understatement. Family and close friends have expressed a lot of confidence in me, I sure hope it's not ill-founded.

I guess it's just a waiting game. (Sorry, that was my best attempt at being punny.)

Bad Karma, Good Weekend

I'm all out of luck. This past week I had the bright idea that I would pack up all my things and start to move out of my apartment. It had been sunny for pretty much an entire week straight, so I figured I would be set packing up everything, including winter clothes. I was terribly wrong. As soon as I got ready to take things to the storage unit I found out it had been snowing lots, great. So now all I have is a little zip-up to keep me warm, that's fine. At this point I also had the bright idea to get my oil changed, seeing as it had been awhile and I was headed to Utah the next day, I thought it would be smart.

So I came home, a little unhappy with the weather gods, but life goes on. I got ready for a Pi Sigma Alpha event, went out to my car and lo and behold, it wouldn't start. So now I was bare-legged, in a skirt, walking through the snow. Awesome.

Turns out that there was something wrong with my battery and I got it fixed the next day before leaving for Utah. All was well. Until I got to the Salt Lake Airport, and after picking up Annalee, Blake, Adam, and all their luggage started to hit the road again. Before even getting to the freeway all the lights on my dash flew on, the power steering went out, and the car shut down.

So a tow truck, car examination, rental car, and four hours later it was determined that the oil changers forgot to put a drain plug in; and now my engine is blown potentially totaling my car.

So that was plenty to put me in a bad mood, and even though Annalee keeps telling me that I wasn't, I know I was a pain in the butt to hang out with the rest of the weekend, but I did have fun.

While Adam and I were waiting to hear about the car we explored the Pep Boys store, got into a sword fight with wire brushes, tried on biker helmets, and tried not to get kicked out. When the four of us all got back together again we went to chipotle, and ate yummy food. We were pampered at Ranae's. We were able to see Randi and Devin, and Jordan and her boyfriend Ammon. We even got free strawberry shortcake. We went to the Saturday afternoon session of conference, which means we were there for Elder Holland's talk, which was awesome. It was just nice to be with family, to not have to do school work. It was great. I love Annalee, Adam and Blake so much, and thank them so much for putting up with me this weekend. I needed it.

Napping Procedure

So, I don't get enough sleep at night, ever. This is fact. It is due to this fact that I can often times be found sleeping in random places on the campus of BYU-Idaho.

This week you may have seen me in the Taylor Chapel, completely sprawled out on a pew during an organ recital. These recitals, might I add, were successfully interrupted by my obnoxious stretching and lip smacking when I decided it was time to wake up.

Didn't see me there? Well, maybe you saw me curled up underneath a row of desks in the library. I would be the girl clutching/cuddling my laptop and muttering in my sleep. Some kind students decided it would be fun to see how close they could get to me without waking me. Another group of people decided to start a loud debate as to whether or not I was actually sleeping out in the open like that, as if I were being indecent or something. Napping is a necessity, people!

Still no luck? Well then maybe you're one of those kind souls who thought I was a nice stranger to sit next to during devotional. If you are one of these wonderful, sweet-hearted people, I apologize for ignoring your need for personal space, for nuzzling your shoulder, and for possibly drooling on you. It wasn't intentional. I just cuddle in my sleep, I don't really have control over it.

I'm trying to work on my napping procedures, and choice of locations. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be really ambitious and actually sleep at night so that I'm not tired through out the day. Until then keep an eye out, I could be seen sleeping anywhere, or on anyone...'s shoulder that is.

I enter the blogging world

I'm taking a family history class this semester, and we were required to choose from a list of pertinent semester projects. Some of the options included compiling journals from relatives, doing geneaology and temple work _x_ amount of generations back, compiling my own history, or start a blog. Since I have family history guru's on both sides, most of the stuff mentioned has already been done, and I would feel like a dead beat for taking an A based on the work they did. So here I sit, starring down a computer screen, ready to type in my life happenings into this little box for my future generations, and the rest of the internet world, to read. Huzzah.

2010 is still pretty fresh, and I am still amazed by the fact that I have a very vivid memory of the happenings over the past decade, and so with out further ado I present a decade of highlights:

2000:

• 5th grade science class: the albino rats, the pig project, the cow tounge
• The strike on the hill, we were way to cool to be forced to run around at recess
• Fort Basketball games
• 5th Grade graduation, first class to graduate from the new school
• Starting middle school, more importantly, learning to play the flute

2001:

• The traumatic "my friend stabbed me in the back" experience
• Jari/Corrie/Emily sleepovers
• My las year with Eisenhower soccer, combining with the rival soccer team to become "Vipers United"
• Moving from 22nd flute to 6th flute right before the concert, which means I got to sit on the front row for the concert.
• The train song
• The perm
• The music festival
• The fires, and yard remodeling

2002

• Middle school volleyball
• The diagnosis, the tears, the visits, the funeral, and trying not to laugh through the grandkids song because I really don't handle sad situations well at all.
• Cleaning through the home of a pack rat
• Moving to Florida. Rain. Lizards. Black people.

2003

• Atlanta trip
• Flute solo competition for Mrs. Rose
• Moving again, Ocala
• The shoe game

2004

• Riding in cars with Amanda McKinney
• After school adventures with Becky
• Annalee went to Brazil
• Zoom
• Mutual activities
• First EFY, the purple bow tie club
• Braces

2005

• More High School, I think I purposely forgot a lot of that
• Scored my first goal of my 8 year soccer career (I'm a defender)
• I was in the same EFY group as Blake, strange
• Brazil
• Brazilian family, noise, Frances beach, fried cheese, pineapple drinks, churassco
• My first concert, Saia Rodada
• My first kiss
• New Years Eve in white on the beach
• Lunches at Tia Vaniha's

2006

• Moved back to the US
• Worked for Brazen (Teen Abstinence Program)
• Went on my first date
• Was introduced to and fell in love with Gus Gus the Nissan. We've been going 3 years strong.
• I was made seminary president...I made a cute sign for the classroom. It's still hanging there.
• I went to my first Russ New Year's Eve fire

2007

• I had my first boyfriend
• Psychology class with Mr. Gwynn...better known as Gwynnbo, or Gwynn Green
• I started to hang out with the FPP, which means I was introduced to Moe monday, the limepits, Sister Russ' cinnamon rolls, late night/early morning Denny's runs, Mamba Jamba, snorkeling, and I skipped my senior prom to go to Wet'n'Wild...and got kicked out
• I swam with dolphins
• I graduated from high school, and haven't looked back since
• My family and I went on a vacation to Aspen Grove...I realized how brown I really am
• I went to the Beach Trip with the Russ'
• I turned 18, and saw Cirque du Soleil for the first time
• We made a crazy gingerbread village for Christmas

2008

• I drove 2356 miles away from home to go to BYU-Idaho
• I planned an international food and dance festival
• I later planned a luau and officially decided that polynesians are my favorite people on this earth
• I auditioned to be a character for Disney World, I didn't get the gig, but the audition process was awesome
• I worked as a Professor of Imagination at Walt Disney World, EPCOT
• I watched a lot of fireworks
• I watched seasons 1-4 of LOST in one month
• I voted for the first time, in a Presidential election
• I saved a baby sea turtle on my 19th birthday

2009

• I drove from Florida to Idaho without my mother...and made it
• I managed the school's humanitarian service project, and later coordinated that same project along with the blood drive
• I explored through some ice caves
• I went through a really rough experience and realized again how grateful I am for the gospel in my life
• I decided to be a Political Science major
• I went to Disneyland...a lot
• I went to Vegas a lot
• I went on the most amazing road/camping/hiking trip of my life with one of my most favorite sister
• I went to New York for the first time
• I stopped being a teenager, and had a funeral for my teenage years
• I served as a council member for a program called Student Spirit Events, and it changed my life

Just simple memories that probably don't mean anything to anyone but me. I just think it's crazy that I've come from being a 5th grader who sat on top of a hill, with her classmates, protesting against being forced to exercise during recess (oh the beginnings of puberty, and stinky sweat) to a 20 year girl who lives in Idaho, is considered a "student leader," and enjoys discussions that revolve around foreign affairs. I guess now's the part where I make goals for the next year and do my very best to a) remember them and b) complete them...here goes nothing

1. Read the Book of Mormon in Spanish
2. Find and internship
3. Record my adventures
4. (and for the sake of family history class) Find a member of my family whose temple work hasn't been done, and do it!

Here goes nothing