I decided that I'm part fairy. I always knew that I had a special love for Tinkerbell, and now I think I'm starting to understand why. JM Barrie describes fairies as being too small to feel more than one emotion at a time, and whatever emotion they happen to be feeling completely consumes them. That's what happens to me. It's kind of ridiculous, and I seriously don't understand how I have any friends. Earlier this week we did an exercise where one of our teachers would pose as an investigator and help us develop better teaching/interpersonal skills. Mostly we were trying to practice involving the invesitagators more in the lesson, applying the lesson to their needs, looking them in the eye and having appropriate body language, and being enthusiastic. All things that I've never really considered very difficult until I had to do them in Spanish. Our teacher had Hermana King and I restart our lesson in the upwards of 20 times, and after an hour I had had enough. I broke down into ugly crying and didn't let up for a while. It was a scene, and I'm embarrassed about it now that I think of it. Later this same day I heard a story about one of my long lost friends (Sister Michelle Walker if you are reading this in all your efy glory, you are the long lost friend I'm speaking of) and how fantastic she is and I was so excited that I squealed and started bouncing my feet and giggling. Again, what a sight, right? Anyway my teacher was over it at this point and in a very loving but straight forward way he told me I need to cut it out. He told me that our personalities are important and fantastic elements of who we are, but I also need to remember that I'm a representative of Christ and that my personality needs to fit within that boundary and basically that I need to get some self-control. It's not like this is news to me, I know I need to get a grip, but hearing it come out of someone else's mouth stung a little bit. So now I'm trying to figure out how on earth to stay true to myself, but also how to think before I act or explode in some surely embarrassing display of some type of emotion. We'll see how well I do. Mostly I'm just scared that I won't be able to do it. Anyone who knows me well knows that things like quiet and tame don't suit me very well, but I want them to. Maybe wanting to will be enough to get me started? But then there's the flip side, what if I do learn how to calm down and what if life is never as fun or exciting as it used to be. Oh the wandering thoughts of a silly sister missionary.
This week was mission president training. We had 110 mission presidents and their wives on campus, as well as various general authorities. MTC campus was incredibly crowded, but it was nice to see how much these couples were willing to scarifice in order to support missions. I am amazed at how much love they have for us as missionaries, and even though my mission president wasn't here I still felt a great deal of support from those that were. We also had a special devotional with L. Tom Perry with 9 other apostles present. Those men are called of God. I think the most special part of the devotional for me was the spirit of gathering. Seeing simple things like Elder Holland blowing a farewell kiss to all the missionaries or Elder Oaks waving as we all walked in. These men are patient, loving, and their every actions testify of Christ. Their sweet mannerisms made me want to act similarly. I want to be so strong in my testimony and my faith and my obedience that my actions will tell of my testimony.
MTC life is good. It's so good. I'm kind of sad by how little time I have left here. I have grown to love my district, my teachers, my zone and my companion so much. They are integrated into every part of my life and I don't know what it will be like to not have them any more. Despite all my crazy, I'm grateful for my capacity to love, even if it hurts me sometimes. I'm glad that people have changed my life for the better, I'm grateful that people have trusted me with stories and impressions that are dear to their hearts, I'm grateful for every opportunity that I have had and will have to serve. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has allowed me to understand and feel the smallest potion of His immense love for all of His children.
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